Just A Kid
by aussie-chick-13
Summary: Alan's never felt like a true Thunderbird. He thought that the events over Springbreak would change that. What happens when he finally sees what happened on Five? Will one brother's doubts destroy the already strained bond between Alan and his family?
1. Doubt

_Hi everyone, _

_This is my first venture into Thunderbirds territory and I'm not gonna lie I've never seen the tv show so this is based purely off the movie and many a fanfic (for the characterisation of Gordon, Virgil, Scott and John mainly)_

_I am hoping to make this a multi-chapter and actually update with some semblance of regularity but who knows with me._

_As always reviews are love. Any and all feedback (especially with characterisation) is very much appreciated._

_~aussie~_

_rating is for a couple of swear words, but nothing major :]  
_

_

* * *

_

"_Oxygen's out in thirty so we won't feel a thing," Scott snapped, turning to face his father._

"_Stop it!" was the firm response._

_Gordon gritted his teeth. "Come on Dad, situation's hopeless," _

_Jeff looked down at his second youngest. "No it's not, there's still time" he said desperately trying to have faith in his own words. "We've got people on the ground working for us,"_

"_Alan? He's just a kid!" Gordon shot back at his dad, disbelief plain on his face. _

_Jeff leveled a hard stare at Gordon. "He's a Tracy,"_

_Gordon's expression didn't change._

Alan glared at the screen and mashed the buttons on his control. The video rewound.

"_Alan? He's just a kid!"_

Pause.

Rewind.

Play.

"_Alan? He's just a kid!"_

Pause.

Rewind.

Play.

"_Alan? He's just a kid!"_

Stop.

Alan threw the controller on his bed. It was the last week of spring break. Alan's relationship with his brother's had improved. He was allowed to sit in on missions now, even if he rarely actually did anything. But there was still the sense that he was just the annoying little brother. And this vid just proved it.

Sure it was from before everything happened, when his brothers were still stuck on Five but the complete lack of faith Alan was seeing shook him.

He didn't expect it.

He'd always know his brothers thought he was a kid.

But he'd never thought that they didn't trust him.

Didn't _believe _in him.

How was Alan supposed to be a Thunderbird when his own family didn't trust him?

He knew it was all just a fake.

A pity gesture.

It was Alan's mistake for believing that he was actually a Thunderbird now.

Actually part of the team.

Part of his family.

Obviously not.

Alan glared at the image of Gordon's face, disbelief scrawled across it, on the screen. Him and Gordon had been close when they were younger. Half of Alan wanted to punch the screen, shatter the image reminding him of his mistake. The other half wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. And then run away. Just get away from the people he thought were his family.

"Alan!" Footsteps echoed down the hallway to Alan's room. The youngest Tracy quickly turned off the screen, leaving the player on.

"Alan!" The teen recognised Scott's voice, it made him gritted his teeth in anger. Scott was as bad as Gordon, thought he was so high and mighty. Alan sighed angrily.

"What do you want Scott?" he snapped, not bothering to hide the anger in his voice. The footsteps stopped, Alan's eldest brother was just outside the door.

"Dinner's ready," there was a pause which Alan quickly filled.

"That all?"

"Alan, are you okay?"

Alan could practically see the half-assed concern on Scott's face.

"I'll be down in a minute," he said firmly, avoiding the question.

There was a lengthy moment of silence before Scott replied.

"Okay Sprout," the footsteps quickly faded as Scott moved off. Alan barely stopping himself from kicking something, he ran a hand through his hair. God, how was he gonna get through dinner?

* * *

Scott jogged up the stairs and headed to his youngest brother's room.

"Alan!" he called out, hoping the kid would hear him and appear. No such luck. Scott mused as he walked down the corridor. Alan certainly seemed happier lately. He was sitting on mission, not doing too much of course, but experiencing what it was like at least. Alan was spending more time with Scott and his other brother's as well. John was due to return to Five in about a month and Alan had been talking to him a lot. Scott smiled. It was nice to have his brother back.

"Alan!" he called out again, now just a few metres from the kid's door. Out of all the responses Scott had considered what he got certainly wasn't expected.

"What do you want Scott?" Alan's voice was muffled but the anger was still audible. Scott frowned. That was odd.

"Dinner's ready," he responded cautiously, pausing slightly. He was about to continue when Alan cut in again.

"That all?" Scott's frown deepened and his voice grew concerned.

"Alan, are you okay?" he asked, about to walk in.

"I'll be down in a minute," Scott didn't miss how his youngest brother completely ignored his question. Scott thought over what to say, Alan seemed honestly angry. At what thought, Scott had no idea. He sighed quietly.

"Okay Sprout," Scott headed back downstairs still thinking over what possibly could be upsetting Alan. Maybe he'd talk to John. Maybe he'd noticed something that Scott hadn't.

* * *

True to his word, Alan headed downstairs and to the kitchen soon after Scott had left. He had a look of pure anger on his face and his expression only darkened as he realised that he was the last to the table, which would just mean Gordon would be more of a dick than normal.

And Alan was already in a shitty mood.

Gordon raised an eyebrow at his only younger brother's angry expression.

"What's up little brother? Got lost?" he said, smiling. Alan sat down between Gordon and John and levelled a glare at Gordon.

"Don't start Gordon, I'm not in the mood for your bullshit," he snapped. Gordon's smile dropped and John smacked Alan over the head.

"Language," he chastised. Alan just gritted his teeth. _Wonderful, let's play treat Alan like a ten year old_. He thought viciously, he wasn't even sure where or who his anger was directed to at this point.

Scott frowned and glanced and John who met his gaze. Something was definitely up with Alan. The teen in question was stabbing the vegetables on his plate like they personally insulted him and seemingly attempting to glare a hole through the table.

Jeff watched his youngest with worried eyes, Scott and John caught his eyes and he couldn't help a relieved sigh. His eldest two were just as protective of Alan as Jeff himself was. And, as much as it pained the Tracy patriarch to admit it, Alan was more likely to talk to his brothers than his father.

Gordon raised an eyebrow at Alan's outburst and couldn't help the smirk returning to his face.

"Calm down Sprout, just a joke," he said, clapping the blonde on the shoulder. Alan turned his glare to Gordon and slapped his hand away roughly.

"I'm not a kid Gordon," he half-snarled. The copper haired swimmer narrowed his eyes.

"Sorry to say it Alan but you're kinda acting like one," Alan stiffened.

Jeff chose the moment to step in.

"That's enough boys," he said firmly. Alan pushed himself away from the table, without acknowledging his father's words.

"I'm not hungry," he muttered. John frowned.

"You haven't eaten anything all day Alan," he said, worried. Alan gritted his teeth.

"I'm aware of that John, but like I _just _said I'm not hungry," he snapped, fast losing patience. Alan quickly left the kitchen and headed outside.

Jeff and the four eldest Tracy sons were left at the table. Gordon glanced at John and then Scott, both of whom were staring dumbfounded after Alan. Jeff was frowning at his son's tantrum. He'd thought Alan had finally grown out of that. Virgil was finally the one who spoke.

"What the hell was _that_?"


	2. Distraction

_Not a whole lot of action, but lots of info and some clues about what else is going on with Alan __*wink*__ *wink*_

_Also realised I never put up ages, it doesn't really matter and the ages I use probably have no close correlation to the movie or tv shows but the way I'm seeing it:_

_Scott: 27_

_John: 26_

_Virgil: 23_

_Gordon: 21_

_Alan: 16_

_

* * *

_

Jeff looked over at John

"And what do you mean he hasn't eaten all day?" he asked quickly. Granted he hadn't seen his youngest all day, but it was extremely rare for one of the boys not to eat anything. John looked back to find his father and three brothers waiting for his answer, the blonde shrugged.

"I mean I haven't seen him eat anything all day," John shrugged. "He missed breakfast and wasn't around at lunch. I asked Onaha if she'd given him anything and she said no," he explained quickly. Jeff and Virgil exchanged worried glances; Alan was thin enough as it is. Scott was contemplating John's words. Thinking back, he hadn't seen the kid all day.

"He's been holed up in his room all day," Scott said quietly. The eldest Tracy son leant back in his chair. "What I don't get is what's suddenly wrong, he was fine yesterday," Scott looked between his brothers and his father.

Jeff sighed, Alan had matured so much since the events of early spring break. He had, like all of them suffered from the occasional nightmare but if anything Alan's had stopped before the others. Jeff knew for a fact that both Scott and John were still having some trouble, which was one of the reasons John hadn't yet returned to Five. Sure Alan was still at the mercy of his brother's teasing, Gordon especially, but he had seemed to be handling it well.

Jeff was a bit disappointed in Alan. This outburst was uncalled for and inappropriate. But what was confusing was that it was directed at both Gordon and John. Jeff could understand Gordon, whilst his youngest two had been close when they were younger they had drifted apart in recent years. In fact all of them had. But it was John that Jeff was confused about. Alan had always chaffed slightly against Scott's sometimes over-protectiveness but John had never really been like that. He'd protective of Alan as all of Jeff's sons had been but Alan had never had a problem with it before.

Scott frowned as he looked out the door after Alan, the blonde's figure had quickly disappeared in the direction of the isolated beach he frequented. What Scott couldn't work out was what had caused the sudden change in Alan behaviour. The day before Alan had been joking around with them in the pool and, despite Gordon's best efforts, he hadn't even reacted to the teasing he was subject to. And then this morning when he hadn't appeared at breakfast Scott just assumed that the kid had slept late. When he didn't turn up for lunch, the eldest Tracy son figured that Alan had been fed by Onaha some time midmorning and wasn't hungry.

John revealing that Alan hadn't eaten at all shocked Scott. Out of all of them Alan probably ate the less but in the Tracy household that wasn't exactly saying much. And if anything the teen should be eating more than usual. Scott was also feeling pretty guilty; he was supposed to look after his younger brothers. Alan used to look up to Scott, but now they barely talked. After what happened at the start of Spring Break things had been looking up, the thought of losing his entire family had terrified Scott. So he was making an effort but clearly Alan wasn't too happy with it.

And then there was the way that Alan had snapped at John. The elder blonde had been asking a harmless question and it just seemed to set Alan off, leaving John as the victim. That annoyed Scott, John was just worried about Alan and the kid was throwing it back in his face. He didn't know exactly what yet, but something was definitely up with Alan.

Virgil couldn't help but look after Alan as the youngest Tracy stormed out. A big part of him, the older brother/medic part, wanted to chase after Alan and make sure he was okay. But of course he also knew that the kid wasn't going to drop dead because he didn't eat for one day. And something about Alan's reaction to John told Virgil that trying to talk to Alan wouldn't be a good idea. Let sleeping dogs lie, don't poke a bear with a stick and all that.

As silence reigned over the table, Virgil was sorting through dozens of medical reasons for Alan's outburst. The kid could have suddenly developed a substance abuse issue overnight but that was so ridiculous Virgil didn't even pause to consider it. Alan could be depressed but once again he wasn't presenting the usual signs. Virgil flicked through a dozen more and then sighed. Unless Alan was PMSing it was either insomnia, which didn't make sense because the kid was sleeping fine, or delayed PTSD, which was actually very likely. All he'd have to do was work out the stressor and talk to his dad. This was definitely something that needed to be dealt with before Alan returned to school.

John was staring at the door where Alan had left again. He hadn't expected his youngest brother to snap at him like that. He frowned. Something was definitely wrong with Alan. John out of all of the Tracy boys knew that Alan wasn't as happy as he was letting everyone else believe. Alan talked to John a lot and they recently started talking about how Alan had felt left out when he was younger. And that seemed to have continued and even increased as he got older.

The events of this spring break had started what John expected to be a long healing process. But whatever had changed overnight was seriously threatening that process. And what annoyed John most of all is that he had absolutely no idea what was going on in Alan's head.

Gordon couldn't help but feel a little sick as Alan stormed out. He was used to his brothers getting annoyed at his joking and pranks but Alan had never reacted like that. He'd certainly never seen the blonde lash out at John. It was weird. Gordon raised an eyebrow and looked back to his plate. He stabbed a carrot with his fork and munched on it as he thought. The kid not eating was weird too.

Gordon quickly surveyed his brothers and father. Scott's expression was an odd combination of confusion, guilt and anger. Virgil looked distracted, probably already trying to work out what was wrong with Alan. His dad just looked kind of sad. And John… John looked honestly hurt and really worried.

Scott suddenly stood.

"I'm gonna go find him," he declared and moved to walk off, but Jeff stopped him.

"I think it would be best if we let Alan calm down first," he said gently. Scott glanced at John, but the blonde just shook his head slightly. Scott sighed and sat down.

"Well we have to do _something_," Scott said, crossing his arms on his chest.

Jeff looked at his sons and nodded solemnly. "I think we can all agree that something is bothering Alan, but until we know what I don't want anyone jumping to conclusions, is that clear boys?" he looked between each of his sons as they each nodded their agreement.

Alan kicked a rock viciously, pacing back on forth on the beach. He ran a hand through his hair roughly; no doubt his father would be nagging at him to get it cut soon. Alan sneered; because of course Alan couldn't make decisions for himself. Then as suddenly as it had flared up at dinner Alan found that his anger had dissipated. He sighed and sat down on the sand, looking out to sea. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He felt a little guilty about snapping at John but he was just so sick of being treated as some stupid kid. He knew he hadn't eaten, but seeing the vid had made him feel physically sick. The idea of his brother's having no faith in him had seriously shaken him up.

He'd never felt so lost.

Never felt so alone.

God, even John, Alan couldn't do anything as tears stung in his eyes. He'd seen the vid, _none_ of his brothers had shown any belief in him. And his father's words had barely held any weight. He wanted to scream but that would just raise more questions, so Alan sat. Still and quiet as tears coursed down his face and he tried to control his breathing.

He had no one to talk to; Tin Tin was too distracted with discovering more about her newfound powers. Fermat was focusing on schoolwork and his brothers weren't even an option. Even John, who Alan had always turned to in the past, suddenly felt like a stranger.

The rest of the meal had passed in near silence. None of the Tracy men wanted to talk about what could be wrong with Alan. Virgil in particular, the more he thought about Alan's actions, the more he was sure that his youngest brother was experiencing PTSD. Why it had taken this long to appear, Virgil had no idea. Suddenly Virgil frowned, maybe he just hadn't noticed? He swallowed nervously and thought over the break since the Hood was captured. Alan had _seemed _perfectly fine.

Gordon and Scott cleared the table once everyone was done and the boys dispersed. No one said anything as John immediately headed in the direction Alan had gone. Scott paused briefly then jogged after him, catching up quickly. John merely raised his eyebrows and his one elder brother matched his pace.

"He probably won't want to talk to us, you realise that right?" the blonde asked. Scott nodded.

"I just want to make sure he's not doing something stupid," he responded. The rest of the walk to the beach Alan frequented was undertaken in silence.

After a brief walk through a patch of jungle, John and Scott made it to the tree line of the beach. At first neither could see Alan. Scott was about to yell out, worried that Alan had been hurt or gotten lost or just done something stupid when John put a hand on his arm. Scott looked at the blonde who was frowning.

"What?" Scott hissed. "He's not even here,"

John just shook his head and gestured to the beach near the edge of the trees a few dozen metres away. Though half-hidden in the dark shade of a palm tree at dusk, Alan's curled up figure was visible. Scott raised an eyebrow.

"I thought he was angry, he doesn't look angry," he whispered simply.

John shrugged. "I don't know," he said simply. Moving quietly the two eldest Tracy son's walked closer to Alan. It was only once they were a few metres away, still hidden in the trees, and could see Alan clearer did John stiffen and suddenly jump forward to Alan. Scott followed him a moment later, what the hell was going on?

John immediately grabbed Alan's shoulders leaning down to his face, which certainly got the younger blonde's attention. Obviously shocked by the sudden contact Alan reacted on instinct, he struggled violently and John ended up catching an elbow to the face. Knocked back, with one hand clutching a now bleeding nose John looked at Alan who was on his feet, rubbing his eyes with one hand.

Scott crouched next to John and glared at Alan.

"I can deal with you acting like a brat but you don't get to injury someone!" Scott snapped.

Alan looked away from his older brothers, not able to make eye contact. "Next time don't randomly grab me!" he shot back, before stalking off, hiding his face before either John or Scott noticed how his eyes were puffy and red.

Scott shook his head and Alan's fast retreating figure and then turned back to John.

"Why did you grab him by the way?" he said, helping the astronaut to his feet. John shrugged.

"The kid was shaking, I thought he was hurt," the blonde raised an eyebrow, looking at his now bloodstained shirt. "Evidently not,"

Scott nodded and sighed. "Come on, let's get you to Virgil. Alan hit you pretty hard,"

John just nodded; he was already developing a headache and couldn't be bothered to argue.

* * *

_Not totally happy with this chapter but what can you do?_

_Anyway, as always reviews are love  
_


	3. Discourse

_So high five for longest chapter yet?_

_Also high-five because I'm being a good author and keeping to a schedule, like actually posting and not forgetting and all that crap that authors are supposed to do._

_Anyway, Gordon is angry, John is guilty, Scott is worried, Virgil is determined._

_And Alan is….Alan._

_also my break line thingies hate me :[  
_

_Story! Away!_

_

* * *

_

Gordon had headed up to his room to get changed and kill some time before going down to the pool. He was confused about Alan; it was obvious something was wrong but Gordon didn't know what. He walked down to the pool lost in thought.

Virgil was sitting on one of the deck chairs reading some medical journal, Gordon didn't pay attention to what it was about. He pulled off his shirt and dived into the water. Relaxing for a moment he started swimming laps. He relished swimming, it was his stress relief. He didn't have to think about anything but the rhythmic movement. After the nightmarish events with the Hood, Gordon had found solace in swimming. The exercise tired out both his body and his mind, making it easy to sleep.

Gordon suddenly wondered how Alan had dealt with what had happened. The kid had been surprisingly resilient. Maybe the kid had talked with John or Scott about it. Yeah, that would be it.

Gordon turned fluidly at the end of the pool and kicked strongly off the wall, letting his stroke change to a gentler breaststroke.

xoxoxoxox

Virgil kept one eye on Gordon as he read through a medical journal he'd downloaded after dinner. It was written by an old college friend of Virgil's who'd ended up as a psychology professor specialising in trauma psychology and PTSD.

Unfortunately the more reading Virgil was doing the more concerned he was getting. He wasn't an expert in PTSD, he didn't even really have any psychology experience at all. But if Alan was suffering then Virgil would do everything he could to help. But at the moment Virgil didn't know if he had enough to go on. The last thing he wanted to do was jump to conclusions.

He frowned; he'd have to talk with John. Virgil didn't want to damage the trust Alan had in his older brother but this problem wasn't going to go away on it's own. He needed to know if Alan was still stressing over what happened with The Hood, if he was sleeping well, if he was having flashbacks.

Virgil stopped himself. _Maybe I'm just overreacting_ he thought, shaking his head softly. He closed the journal and watched Gordon swim. _I would have noticed if the kid was having flashbacks or not sleeping._

Virgil was sure of it.

xoxoxoxox

John stumbled over a stray root and Scott quickly steadied him. The blonde winced and screwed his eyes shut, his nose had stopped bleeding but his head felt like it was splintering.

"Headache?" Scott asked quietly. John just nodded, or at least tried to. He stopped that movement pretty fast. Scott sighed and glanced up, they were close to the house now. And by the yelling he heard, whatever was happening wasn't good. The two brothers climbed the stairs leading from the jungle path to the pool area.

Virgil was on his feet and Gordon looked like he'd just gotten out of the pool, judging by the puddle of water by his feet and the splash marks on the tiles where he'd climbed out.

Scott frowned and after settling John on a deck chair, moved over to his younger brothers. By the sounds of it they were arguing.

"-ally unnecessary Gordon! You knew he was upset!" Virgil snapped.

Gordon glared at him. "I was just joking! It's not my fault Alan's acting like a brat!"

Scott raised his hands and stepped between the fuming brothers. "Woah, guys tone it down a little. What's going on?" he asked.

Virgil's tense shoulders relaxed and he took a breath. "Alan came storming up from the beach, Gordon make a stupid comment which just made him more upset. The kid yelled something about not being a Thunderbird and ran up to his room," Virgil explained quickly. He shrugged. "At least I'm pretty sure that's where he went," he added as an afterthought. "We have to deal with whatever's wrong with him Scott," he said firmly to Scott. "It's getting ridicu- John?" Virgil finally caught sight of his bloodstained older brother lying on a deck chair. The medic immediately rushed to the blonde's side and carefully felt John's nose. He frowned. "I don't think it's broken, but what the _hell_ happened?" Virgil asked, incredulously looking between his two older brothers.

Scott sighed and sat down. "Alan," he said simply.

"What!" Gordon yelled in outrage. "The brat hit John?" Scott quickly stood up and moved in front of Gordon upon seeing the look of murder in the swimmer's eyes.

"Woah, Gords calm down," Scoot tried to placate him, not wanting another fight to happen.

Gordon just snarled and shook his head. "I don't care if he's upset Scott, that's not an excuse!" he snapped. Scott was about to growl out a response when a quiet voice interrupted them.

"Scott, Gordon it wasn't his fault," John paused. "Well it kinda was I guess, but he didn't do it intentionally," it was hard to explain the look of shock, guilt and utter terror on Alan's face when John had grabbed his arms. The kid hadn't been thinking right.

Virgil just sighed and slipped an arm around John's shoulders and pulled his older brother up. "Why don't we continue this discussion in the infirmary?" he suggested and then continued before John could protest. "John needs painkillers," his brothers all nodded, though Gordon was rather reluctant. At that Virgil started moving off with the other's following close behind.

xoxoxoxox

Alan sprinted to his room making sure to avoid his father's office. The last thing he wanted was to deal with more questions.

He really just wanted to be left alone.

He was sick of Scott and John and Virgil and Gordon and just all of them.

It was rare that Alan was ever by himself except for sleeping and even then it was only because Alan was careful.

He needed to prove to his family that he wasn't just some kid.

That he could be trusted.

Alan took a shaky breath and glared at the ceiling as tears threatened to spill again.

Every time he thought about his brother's lack of faith, his father's.

It was like a damn knife in his chest.

Alan trusted his brothers with his life.

Or at least he used to.

Trust was earned in trust.

One equaled the other.

And now that Alan knew of his brother's doubt, how could he trust them?

How could he believe in them?

Look up to them?

Love them?

xoxoxoxox

The walk to the infirmary was too long for John's liking. Every step sent daggers of pain through his head and his jaw had started aching too.

And best of all?

Gordon was calling him a "pirate panda".

Apparently having one black eye made John look like a panda wearing an eyepatch.

That boy's mind worked in strange ways.

John sighed in relief as they finally made it to the infirmary door. Virgil keyed in his code and the door opened with a quiet whosh. John gingerly move to sit on one of the beds as his younger brother went to get him painkillers.

Gordon went and sat on one of the chair scattered around the room and sulked. He was still pissed at Alan, the brat had hit John. Hurt one of his brothers. Gordon gritted his teeth just thinking about it. Sometimes he felt bad that he and Alan had drifted apart but then the kid pulled a stunt like this. John could try to defend the kid all he wanted but the proof was right there on the blonde's face.

Scott leant against the wall near John's bed and kept one eye on Gordon.

"John," he said after a moment, the blonde looked at him. "Before you said that Alan was shaking, he wasn't hurt. So what was wrong?" The oldest Tracy son asked, honestly confused.

John frowned. "I hadn't even thought about that…I," he paused. "I don't know," he finally said.

Virgil walked back into the room with a glass of water and two non-descript pills for John, he caught bits of their brief conversation. "Shaking? As in crying?" he asked, handing the water and pills to John.

Scott froze and closed his eyes briefly. "Damn it," he breathed.

John quickly swallowed the pills and glanced at Scott. "What?"

Scott ran a hand through his hair. "Ever noticed how Alan never cries anymore?"

Virgil was nodding. "Not since he was little, since that time that Dad yelled at- oh," he stopped.

Scott nodded. "Yeah, I've caught him once since then. He was barely making a noise," he sighed.

When Alan was little and he cried the whole house would know about it. The kid _screamed_. Scott was never sure if the kid was just loud or if it was a bid for attention. But whatever the reason eventually it got to Jeff. About six or seven months after their mum died Alan stubbed his toe, or something Scott didn't remember what happened exactly, and it was the last straw in a already stressful day for their dad. Jeff had snapped at the five year old, yelling at him for a good ten minutes. Alan was so scared that he just froze. Jeff, of course, felt extremely guilty about it and spent the next month pulling the family back together. But ever since that day the youngest Tracy _never _cried.

At least none of them ever heard him cry again.

John shook his head, grateful that the painkillers had kicked in. "Scott, my room is _right_ next to Alan's I would have heard something," he said firmly.

Virgil also frowned. "Are you suggesting the kid's been suffering in silence, quite literally, since the…stuff…with The Hood?" he asked, not really believing it. Or at least not wanting to.

Scott nodded. "I think it's a possibility we have to consider," he said shrugging. He didn't miss Virgil pained expression. "What Virg?"

The middle Tracy sighed and fiddled with the blanket on a nearby bed. "I've been meaning to talk to you guys for a while. I think Alan's got PTSD,"

Gordon scoffed before any of the others had a chance to react. "It's been weeks, we're all over it," he said and quickly continued, knowing that John or Virgil would object to that observation. "Alan got over it just fine. Guys, he's just acting like a spoiled brat. Probably just doesn't want to go back to school,"

Scott frowned at Virgil. "While I don't agree with everything that Gordon mentioned," he said, giving the swimmer a pointed look. "He is right. Alan recovered pretty quick," he glanced at John and the blonde just shrugged.

"I guess, Alan had a couple of nightmares but after I came into his room one night because he was half-yelling they stopped," he explained simply.

Virgil shook his head. "I think he's avoiding us and I've been reading some stuff by an old friend of mine who's a psych professor at Stanford now, PSTD can occur more than six months after the initial event," Virgil saw his brother's weren't looking all to convinced. "Ever noticed that Alan doesn't talk about what happens? Like ever? He still doesn't watch the news in case something about what happened comes on," Virgil watched as his three brothers started to look vaguely convinced so he continued. "If Scott's right and we just haven't noticed that means he's probably still having nightmares, which means he also probably has insomnia. He lashed out randomly today so that's unreasonable aggression and irritability," Virgil finally stopped and shrugged. "And I wouldn't be surprised if he's still having flashbacks or other symptoms because he's clearly not talking,"

Scott didn't say anything after Virgil finished. God, how could he have missed that? He hadn't noticed Alan's avoidance of the news and he'd just assumed that Alan had been talking to John about what had happened. In fact, "John, Alan hasn't talked to you about it?" he asked, hoping that the astronaut would say yes and everything would be okay. Scott's stomach dropped as the blonde shook his head.

'No," he sighed. "I thought he might, I mean he has been talking to me about other stuff. Like stuff from when we were kids and school but he never mentioned it at all. And I didn't want to press it," John paused. "Look I missed talking to Alan, he was distant even beforespring break. And if he was willing to talk to me then I wasn't gonna risk scaring him off,"

Scott nodded. "It's okay John, none of us noticed and _all _of us should've," he said firmly, looking to Gordon.

The swimmer just frowned slightly and looked away from his eldest brother. What Virgil had said shaken Gordon up a bit. He hadn't noticed what was going on with Alan, he'd just assumed that the kid was being a brat today. Wouldn't be the first time.

John sighed and leant back on his bed. "So, PTSD?"

* * *

_Ohhhh questions:_

_Does Alan actually have PTSD?_

_Will Gordon stop being a dick?_

_How will Jeff react when he's told?_

_How will Alan react when he's confronted?_

_These questions may or may not be answered in the next chapter which I shall post on Thursday. Or at least when it's Thursday in Australia._

_as always reviews are love  
_


	4. Dread

_Hey guys, sorry for a being a day late. But this chapter's quite long for me so that might make up for it._

_Hope you enjoy, and I apologise in advance for any horrible spelling and/or grammar mistakes._

_

* * *

_

Jeff Tracy sighed and closed down his computer, rubbing his tired eyes. Business could wait until tomorrow; he wasn't getting anything done tonight anyway. He was too distracted by what had happened at dinner with Alan.

Jeff had honestly thought that Alan had grown out of his childish tantrums. But lashing out at Gordon was uncalled for and his language was unacceptable. Jeff leant back on his chair and clasped his hands together gathering his thoughts.

Alan obviously needed to be spoken to, discipline was important and if Alan truly wanted to be a full member of the Thunderbirds than he would have to learn that. But Jeff knew that going to speak with his youngest on a chaotic mind distracted by thoughts of work would only lead to an argument which would just everything worse.

This was, of course, hard for Jeff Tracy, he was a man of action. But as Commander of the Thunderbirds he also knew how important planning could be to the success of a mission.

And with Alan, _everything_ was a mission.

Jeff expected his other sons to be occupying themselves and hopefully leaving Alan to calm down. Gordon was almost definitely in the pool probably along with Scott and perhaps John or Virgil. Jeff couldn't hear the sounds of music drifting through the house so Virgil wasn't at his piano.

In any case, Jeff Tracy didn't expect to be roused from his thoughts by the sounds of a muffled argument and then a tentative knock on his office door.

With a look on his face that rested between amused, confused and concerned Jeff sat up straight in his chair and called out.

"Come in,"

* * *

Virgil nodded. "Yeah, PTSD,"

There was silence in the infirmary for a moment as the four Tracy brothers mulled over the conclusion of their discussion. After a few minutes Gordon suddenly frowned and spoke up.

"So if we are going with the PTSD thing, who's gonna tell Dad?"

There was a deathly silence in the room before, practically simultaneously, four voices called out "Shotgun not!"

Virgil and Scott immediately turned to John. "You were last Johnny-Boy," Scott said with a smirk.

John shook his head. "Nuh-uh, Gordon was last,"

The red-head stood up indignantly. "Was not, besides Virgil should tell Dad. It's his idea,"

Scott seemed to agree with that. "Gordon has a point," he said turning slightly to face Virgil.

The middle Tracy gave Scott a disbelieving look. "I thought we were on the same team,"

Scott just shrugged.

Virgil narrowed his eyes. "In that case, Scott should do it," he said directly to John and Gordon, knowing that he'd need their backing to bully Scott into telling Jeff about Alan.

Both brothers gave Virgil a confused look.

"How so?" John asked.

Virgil smirked. "This is an unwanted job but a job that is defined by it's important and level of required responsibility and therefore it falls to the oldest brother present to complete the afore mentioned job according to the agreed upon 'Laws Amongst Brothers'," Virgil managed to blurt out in one breath.

Scott levelled a glare at Virgil. Of course he'd bring up that stupid agreement.

When the boys were younger and understandably with the five of them it often boiled down to heated discussions over who would have to, or get to, do what. So in a stroke of so-called 'genius', John suggested a worked out set of laws that could be applied to pretty much any situation that designated what responsibility, or in some case privilege, would fall to which brother.

Unfortunately as Scott was the oldest he got a pretty even spread between very good and horribly bad.

This was a horribly bad situation.

John and Gordon both nodded. "That's fair enough," John said, smirking.

Scott grumbled under his breath as he headed towards his father's office, with three of his younger brothers following close behind.

Scott stopped in front of the polished wooden door that lead to Jeff's office. God, he felt like he was eight and had to tell his dad that Gordon had set fire to the kitchen.

Again.

He turned around to see John, Virgil and Gordon all watching him expectantly. He winced. "Maybe this could wait for a little-" he started, but was soon cut off.

"No way, you can't back out of this Scooter," John hissed, trying to be quiet. "But I'm waiting out here until you've explained the basics to him, you know he'll freak out about my face,"

Gordon stifled a laugh.

There was a brief staring contest between the two eldest Tracy son's before Scott caved, sighing. "Fine," he muttered and raised a hand to knock on the door.

There was a brief moment of silence before the four brothers heard their father's voice.

"Come in,"

Scott took a breath and cautiously opened the door. He really didn't want to be the one to tell his father that his sixteen year old son was suffering from PTSD and none of them had even noticed that he wasn't okay. Scott stepped inside and briefly glanced back at his brothers, hoping for some support. Luckily they did step forward, aside from John of course, and joined Scott in their dad's office.

Virgil, especially felt like he should at least be there, it had been him that convinced Scott and the others that Alan was suffering.

Jeff watched with growing trepidation as three of his sons shuffled quietly into his office. He would have assumed that Gordon had pulled another prank but neither Scott nor Virgil, who fell victim to Gordon most often, looked angry. In fact they all looked very…nervous. Or worried. Or both actually.

"What happened?" Jeff asked, not sure if he was going to like the answer he got.

Scott sighed and ran a hand nervously through his hair. "It's about Alan," he said eventually.

Jeff immediately stood up. "What did he do this time?" he asked quickly.

Scott raised his hands. "No, no Dad he hasn't _done _anything. It's just. Okay, well we think that… Alan…um," Scott floundered. Looking for a good way to tell his father about their suspicions but soon realised that there wasn't a 'good' way. Thankfully Virgil cut in.

"Alan has delayed PTSD," he blurted out suddenly.

Jeff froze, that was certainly not what he had expected. "Virgil, what do you mean?"

Virgil shrugged. "He's displaying some of the symptoms and recent," he paused. "Realisations, have lead us to the conclusion that's he's hiding the other things that could be effecting him,"

Jeff slumped back into his chair. He'd thought that this was over. He'd gone through John's nightmares, Scott's over-protectiveness, Gordon's complete disregard of physical boundaries and Virgil's paranoia. But Jeff had honestly thought that Alan was okay. He hadn't shown any of the typical signs of being overtly effected by the events with the Hood.

Looking back, that was a bit strange but Jeff had just thought that Alan still had the incredible adaptability that children seem to possess. However, it just seems that Alan had a good dose of Tracy stubbornness. And unfortunately that coupled with Alan's deteriorating relationship with his family must have lead to him simply not saying anything this whole time.

"Dad, what do we do?"

Jeff looked up at Scott's voice. The twenty-seven year old sounded like a kid again. Jeff sighed. "I don't know yet Scott, why do you think he has PTSD?" he asked, wanting the full story.

Scott looked to Virgil and the middle Tracy started to explain. "Ok, well, what happened at dinner got me thinking…"

* * *

Alan had his headphones on and music blasting so he just didn't have to think. He stared at the wall and lost himself in music. He didn't want to obsess over the vid, but god it was hard. Every few minutes Alan's eyes would drift to his TV and the vid he knew was there. After only 15 minutes Alan pulled out his headphones and grabbed the remote, turning on the display screen.

The vid came up how he'd left it, paused on Gordon's face. Alan had to look away form the screen and compose himself before he broke something. He quickly pressed a few buttons.

Rewind.

Play.

"_Alan? He's just a kid!"_

Pause.

Rewind.

Play.

"_Alan? He's just a kid!"_

Pause.

Alan put the controller down again and stared at the screen. He still didn't know how to deal with this. Everything time he thought about it, it made him feel sick.

He was just so sick of being treated like that.

And then when John had grabbed him at the beach. He was shocked at how terrified he'd been. And then what happened with Gordon at the pool.

He'd stormed up from the beach feeling horrible. And of course Gordon just made it worse.

* * *

Jeff listened patiently as Virgil ran over what happened again at dinner and their explanation of Alan's actions, not missing how Gordon was suspiciously silent. Virgil paused before explaining about how they worked out about Alan's probable nightmares and insomnia. He glanced at Scott, who nodded slightly. "John! You can come in now," Virgil called.

Jeff frowned, why had John been waiting outside? This question was quickly answered by one look at his son's face. Jeff was quickly overwhelmed with anger. "Don't tell me Alan did that," he growled.

John raised his hands defensively. "Technically, yes,"

"Technically?"

"Dad, let me explain. I surprised him and he freaked out. Hyper vigilance is another symptom,"

Jeff sighed. "Fine, but that's not an excuse he will be punished for that. He's not allowed to hit you, same rules apply PTSD or not,"

John nodded, that was fair enough. Then Virgil picked up the story again. "Anyway, we realised that Alan was hiding stuff when Scott mentioned that the kid doesn't make a noise anymore when he cries,"

None of the boys missed the way that their father's face twisted briefly in still remembered guilt. There was no doubt to whether or not Jeff Tracy knew the cause of his youngest's silence.

"And we think that he's been hiding nightmares too. It seems a little too suspicious for them to stop the night after John confronted Alan about it," Virgil glanced at the blonde. John nodded in agreement.

Jeff paused for a moment to take in and process everything that had been said. He looked up once again at soft murmur.

"And there was the pool thing,"

Jeff couldn't tell which of his son's had said it but he was sure that it was more bad news. "The pool thing?" he asked, once more doubting that he'd like the answer he'd get.

Virgil and Gordon glanced between each other nervously. "Well, me and Gords were by the pool, well I was, he was swimming," Virgil gestured to the copper-haired Tracy.

_Alan stormed up the path to the house, god what had even just happened? _

_John was suppose to be the one that Alan trusted, but judging by the ache in his elbow Alan was pretty sure he'd just hit his brother._

_Unintentionally, of course._

_At least he thought so._

_Alan got to the pool quickly than he expected and cursed under his breath. He'd meant to go the back way to avoid his brothers, in particular Gordon who Alan had assumed would be at the pool._

_And it seemed he was right._

_Alan gritted his teeth and clenched a fist, hoping that Gordon would keep his mouth shut._

_Of course, with Gordon, that was never going to happen._

"_Where've you been Sprout? Off with the fairies again?"_

"I did not say 'off with the fairies', Virge!" Gordon protested.

Virgil gave his younger brother a sharp look. "Fine then what did you say?"

"_Been down at the beach Alan? I hope you're feeling better,"_

"Gordon, we both know that's bull," Virgil snapped. Then it was Gordon's turn to glare at Virgil.

Scott sighed. "Will you get your story straight please?"

"Fine,"

"_Finally come back to join us Sprout? Remembered we're your family eh?" Gordon said, resting his arms on the side of the pool near Alan. Neither Gordon nor Virgil expected Alan's reaction. The kid just froze, it was like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water over him._

"_You do do your best to make me forget it Gordon," he snapped, voice cold and venomous._

_Gordon frowned. "Chill Allie, it's just a joke,"_

"_Oh, what a surprise," Alan shot back, voice rising. "Everything's a joke to you, isn't it Gordon? I don't even know why I bother, none of you even care!"_

_At this point Virgil stepping in. "Alan calm down, care about what? Obviously we care about you, we're your brothers," Virgil was shocked at the near hatred in Alan's eyes._

"_Are you Virgil? Cause to be honest I don't even know anymore. I'm certainly not a Thunderbird," he turned to Gordon. "Apparently I'm just a kid," he spat the words like they were poison and then practically ran up towards the house, Virgil assumed to his room.  
_

_Gordon leapt out of the water to follow him, but the kid was too quick. "Well he's not acting like a child at all," he said, surprise tinting the sarcastic tone of his voice.  
_

_Virgil frowned. "Saying that was totally unnecessary Gordon! You knew he was upset!"_

"And I'm pretty sure that's when John and Scott walked up and we started talking about Alan, you know the rest Dad," Virgil finished softly.

Scott looked to Jeff. "The kid doesn't think he's a Thunderbird? We practically made him one already! And he's sitting in on missions,"

The Tracy patriarch just shrugged helplessly. "I don't know boys, but he must have gotten that idea from somewhere. We really need to know where," he looked between his eldest sons. They each shook their heads. Well, except John.

"John? Got an idea?" Jeff asked hopefully.

The blonde was looking very pensive but after a moment he shook his head. "I don't _think_ so, I have to go and check something to be sure,"

Jeff frowned, part of him wanted to press the issue but he also trusted John when it came to dealing with Alan. The elder blonde had a patience that was quite impressive. nodded. "Okay, boys try to get some sleep, this day's been stressful enough as it is,"

The four brothers each nodded in agreement and then moved off to their respective rooms.

All but John.

He headed to the main computer in the control room next to the hanger of Three.

It took John just a few moments to gain access to the records of who had been accessing his 'Bird's external memory bank. The bank contained all the flight data, back-ups of the important system mainframes as well as the recordings and transcripts from the cameras and microphones on Five.

As the, extremely, brief list of access codes who had looked at the recordings came up, John winced and immediately doubled checked.

And then triple checked.

John sighed, sometimes it sucked being right.

"Alan, what have you been up to?" he whispered quietly.

* * *

_So nothing much happened in this chapter and I apologise but things needed to be set up for later. But you did find out what was said at the pool._

_:]_

_questions (feel free to guess answers to these in reviews, it's actually kind of helpful sometimes):_

_who will confront Alan?_

_or at least who will confront him first?_

_will john share his knowledge with the family?_

_what will Jeff do about Alan?_

_will alan stop obsessing over the tape?_

_as always reviews are love_


	5. Despair

_Please forgive me for:_

_The horrible lateness of this chapter. I have no excuse other than being ill and having about a million important things due in school_

_The semi-shortness of this chapter. It's not too bad but not quite as good as some of my others_

_Whatever spelling/typos/grammar errors/etc there are in here. I've read it over to the best of my ability but it's about 1am for me so I can't promise anything :]_

_A big shout out to everyone who reviewed. Seriously, you guys make my life every time I get a review. I would list you all but the list would be so long. Please take note that I read every single one of them and each one means heaps to me._

_So please enjoy! _

* * *

Jeff watched as his boys left. John didn't look like he was heading to his room but Jeff trusted his second eldest to do the right thing in regard to Alan.

Jeff sighed. Alan. He'd have to talk to the youngster tonight, it was getting late but Alan had really caused John some damage. That bruise was impressive and Jeff could tell that John had a headache. He just hoped it wouldn't progress into a migraine. They were never fun to deal with.

The implications of what Virgil and the other boys were suggesting were serious. Jeff had dealt with what he thought had been the final issues from the ordeal with the Hood a few weeks ago. Or at least had got them under control. The other boys' reactions had presented quite simply too, which had of course helped Jeff to get them through it.

Scott's was relatively obvious. In fact it wasn't so much an issue in itself but rather an increase of a trait that was already there. Put simply Scott had become overly protective of his brothers, John and Alan in particular. For the first few days he'd refused to leave the hospital Alan was admitted to after the youngest Tracy finally told his father about the fact he could barely breath. Apparently being strangled in mid air will do that to you. It wasn't until Jeff had enlisted the help of hospital staff to get Scott into his own cot while he was sleeping that the pilot stopped sleeping in the hard chair next to Alan's bed.

Then, of course afterwards, once Alan was discharged and everyone was back on the island Scott's stress became much more apparent. He practically never let Alan out of his sight and was constantly checking up on John. In fact it was actually Alan who had drawn Jeff's attention to Scott's smothering. Through that Jeff had sat his eldest down and had a long talk to him about what happened. It turned out that Jeff was feeling the same kind of gut-wrenching fear whenever he didn't know where his youngest was, or even just at the thought of John returning to 'Five. Scott was still, as he always had been, protective of his brothers. But it wasn't controlling his life anymore.

John was another easy to spot issue. The star-gazer was pale enough normally and the dark circles around his eyes had been easy to spot. John's nightmares were to be expected and Jeff was actually relatively prepared for them. He'd talked to the head of psychology at the hospital while Alan and John were being treated and they discussed how to deal with the probable outcomes and aftermath of the Hood's actions. So when John had started exhibiting signs of nightmares and not sleeping Jeff had acted quickly.

Jeff and John had spoken at length about what was troubling the blonde and from that they'd been able to deal with what was stressing him. Of course Jeff knew that the astronaut had never really been a deep sleeper, even in his youth it hadn't taken much to keep John up at night. The boy's imagination went into overdrive and it carried over to his dreams, creating all too realistic scenarios that terrified John. Once when John was fifteen or sixteen, Jeff couldn't quite recall, Scott and Gordon had been caught in a car crash. Neither sustained any injuries aside from some whiplash but John got so worked up about it and his nightmares got so bad that the blonde had just stopped sleeping. It was only when Scott caught his younger brother just before he fell asleep in his cereal that any of them noticed. Since then Jeff had been much more attentive with his second eldest's sleeping patterns.

With Gordon it was always the same. Watch and wait. Every time a rescue went south or they lost someone or there was a close call, Jeff just waited until Gordon headed to the pool. It was always the same, the red-head would swim until he could barely keep his head above water and then Jeff would move in and do damage control. With Gordon it was all physical. Out of all of the boys Gordon was the only one who just broke down and let it all out. It lasted a few hours at most. Total release of everything. Fear. Anxiety. Worry. Anger. Sadness. You name it. Gordon would yell, swear, hell even sometimes he broke down into tears. All Jeff or Scott or John had to do was be there.

Jeff sometimes wished all his boys were like Gordon. Because, guaranteed the next morning Gordon would get up and be back to his old self. But then again every so often Gordon would push himself to far. He'd collapsed once in a hallway on his way to his room after a particularly harrowing rescue that had turned into the boys just pulling bodies from the rubble. He gone to far and his body just gave out. Then there was the time he nearly drowned in the pool. Jeff was still thankful that Virgil had been there. And that he had acted so quickly to Gordon's condition. And Jeff had to watch that Gordon didn't reinjure his back but aside from that Jeff just kept an eye on the swimmer and waited out the storm.

Virgil was like a combination of the worse parts of John and Scott with the added fun of hypervigilance and the occasional panic attack. Jeff winced just remembering it. Virgil was the medic of the family, so he was paranoid anyway about the boys' health. But when he got anxious he started second-guessing himself and those around him. He freaked out about the smallest things and obsessed over tiny details. Gordon winced when he got out the pool? It wasn't a slight pulled muscle it was serious tendon damage. Scott was rubbing his neck at breakfast? It wasn't because he slept funny he had a fracture his C2 vertebrae. John seemed grumpy? It wasn't a just headache it was cancer. The all-encompassing worry and fear that Virgil got spilled over into other parts of his life too. More than once Jeff found his middle son running diagnostics on Two in the early hours of the morning or late at night. Or going over schematics for designs that probably wouldn't even be built. They were just ideas. Fretting over tiny things.

But unlike Scott and John, talking to Virgil didn't do anything but make things worse. Jeff had learnt overtime that generally it worked itself out pretty soon. Once the others were okay his middle son stopped acting like the sky was about to fall. They just had to deal with Virgil's pestering for a week or so and then it would die down to the normal level of worry from a doctor dealing with patients who rarely actually admitted when they were hurt. In fact Jeff had to admit that Virgil's paranoia did actually come in handy sometimes.

He sighed.

Jeff just wished it'd kicked in a little quicker this time.

It'd been weeks since the Hood. He'd honestly thought Alan was okay. God, how could he have been so blind? His baby was suffering and no one had noticed. What kind of father was he if he couldn't even see when his own child was breaking?

Was that it?

Had Alan broken?

Jeff shook his head and gathered the papers on his desk half-heartedly. He refused to admit that. Alan would come through.

Jeff wouldn't accept anything else.

John stared at the screen for a while longer. Alan had accessed Five's database. John narrowed his eyes. International Rescue wasn't back online yet, there was no reason for Alan to be getting information on rescues. The blonde frowned and leant forward, he typed in a few commands and passcodes to get to the access records. He skimmed quickly over what was presented to him. Last night Alan had gone into the banks of the audio-visual recordings from Five and had pulled a tape. He looked at the timestamp on the file. John's frown deepened, he knew that date. But why would the kid suddenly be interested in the records from when they were all stuck up on Five?

What was there that had caught his interest?

John couldn't even fully remember what happened up there. His memory was a bit blurry from shock, panic and pain.

Had something in the video set the kid?

Is that what triggered his reaction?

John sighed. Maybe this wasn't PTSD. But then again…

The blonde ran a hand over his face and contemplated talking to Scott. After spinning in his chair for a moment John decided not to. He'd just go talk to Alan himself. Sort out whatever was going on.

Alan was pacing in his room.

His outburst at the pool had not been good at all.

He hadn't meant to lash out at Gordon but at the moment just looking at his brothers, not just Gordon, made him want to punch them.

Well, maybe not _punch_ them but it just reminded him of everything he was missing at the moment.

He turned to the screen again and picked up the remote.

Rewind.

Play.

"_Alan? He's just a kid!"_

Pause.

Rewind.

Alan's finger hovered over the button to make the tape play again.

Suddenly the chaotic mess that was pretending to be Alan's normally coherent thought track morphed into something wonderfully clear.

He needed to go.

Just get away from _them_.

Not for long.

Just enough.

But _how_?

That was the question. With four older brothers it was like he was always been watched.

Alan paused.

But not right now.

Right now there was no one.

Alan couldn't help a smile. Though he didn't know whether adrenaline, relief or perhaps rebellion fuelled it.

He glanced at his window.

He could do this.

John had tried to be quiet walking up the hall past Gordon and Scott's rooms, Virgil didn't matter so much, the painter was probably already asleep and nothing short of the klaxon would wake him up. John found himself hurrying as he jogged up the stairs to the hallway to his and Alan's rooms. Big brother intuition was kicking in.

Something was off.

The room was too quiet.

Too dark.

Suddenly John was half-sprinting.

He pushed Alan's door open without a second's hesitation.

"ALAN!"

* * *

_YAY_

_Cliffie._

_Kinda. But not really._

_eh_

_Anyways, as always reviews are love_

_:]_


	6. Distress

_Wow, okay. Hi everyone!_

_No I'm not dead, nor is the story. Having received a wonderfully thoughtful review from someone I decided to write a chapter for something. And seeing as I found about 700 words of this already written (not that I remember writing it) I picked this story! Please refer to my profile in regard to further updates of this story or any others :]_

_I apologize for the short-ness and probably errors, I am, admittedly, getting back into the swing of things writing wise._

_Anyways enjoy, and if you could spare a few moments please review!_

* * *

"_ALAN!"_

John didn't know what he expected to see on the other side of the door but what was before him had been very low on the list. His baby brother has half out the window, one hand steadying him, the other clutching a backpack. What was he doing? Trying to run away? Despite being on an island, the Tracy's tropical home was big enough for someone to hide easily for a week. Probably longer. What was going through Alan's head? What would drive him to such extremes? Why did he need to escape anyway?

Once Alan got over the initial shock of having John come running through his door he noticed that the elder blonde wasn't moving, he was just staring at Alan. Not yet ready to accept that he was caught, that he was stuck and trapped, Alan slowly started edging further over the windowsill. But he underestimated John's observational abilities. The moment he started moving his older brother quickly crossed the few metres between them and had a firm grip on Alan's upper arm.

"Oh no you don't," John growled lowly, firmly pulling his youngest brother of the windowsill. Alan nearly fell over with the sudden shift in balance. John then manoeuvred himself between the kid and the window. He gritted his teeth and stared at Alan for a long moment.

"Just what the _hell_ do you think you were doing?" he snapped.

John Tracy had reputation of being the level headed one in his family. Which was true, for the most part. Jeff and Scott could be twins if the age gap was less. Both were stubborn and headstrong, not always pausing for negotiation or thought before leaping into an argument. Fights between them were rare but when they happened it was commonplace for the remain Tracy's to escape to the far side of the island.

Virgil was similar to John in his rationality. Unless of course he was tired. Or annoyed, or feeling sick, or one of the others were feeling sick. Especially if they didn't tell him. Virgil could be down right terrifying if you started skipping treatments. It almost rivalled the stubbornness that stopped Tracy's seeking aid. Almost.

Gordon just had a short fuse. He burnt out fast but for the short moments when he is angry you don't want to get in his way. John still remembered some of the tantrums Gordon threw when he was little. And with Gordon, things got destroyed. Lots of things. Lots of expensive things. But as Gordon grew up he started reigning in his temper. Channelled it into productive things, like swimming, and...less productive things, multiple attempts at turning Scott's hair pink, for instance.

John only remembered that Alan was loud when he was small and then became not so loud and then as the family started getting better, as Jeff's dream of International Rescue started forming, John hated to admit it, but Alan got swallowed up in the excitement and anticipation of the launch of The Thunderbirds. But John never picked his youngest brother to be the type to run away. Alan had always been the type to deal with his problems head on, probably another reason him and Jeff clashed so much.

Now John had a very long fuse. Being an astronaut required patience, concentration. You learnt to get along with people, even when they annoyed you. If you were stuck with someone on a space station you couldn't just get away if things became tense. So it took a lot to really get John furious.

Finding his baby brother trying to run away, by jumping out his window no less? That was a lot.

Alan shifted under his brother's gaze. He didn't mean to get caught, he just wanted to escape. But he couldn't just say that. John would have him whisked away to the infirmary faster than Alan would be able to say "Seriously, I'm _fine_,".

Alan sighed. How was he going to come up with an excuse to get John off his back?

A minute passed. For Alan it felt like an hour. Every second he stood there, in front of John, the more stupid his running away plan seemed and the more trapped he felt, the more helpless. His brothers and father would have just freaked out, gotten angry. Then there would be the yelling and the harsh words and Alan would be treated like a kid because he was acting like one.

How was Alan supposed to tell his father that he was acting like a child because he was never given a chance to be an adult? But then how could Alan expect them to give him the chance?

He took a shaky breath and opened his mouth to speak but then closed it just as fast, there was nothing he could say. No excuse could be given. No words or jokes or reasons existed for Alan to escape this situation. He felt helpless. Utterly helpless. John was going to drag him to see their father and he'd never be allowed to set foot on a Thunderbird ever again. Alan's eyes flickered up to meet John's for a brief moment before wavering and sliding back to the floor of his room. He felt helpless, he couldn't do anything to fix this. There was nothing he could do. His eyes drifted to the window behind John, as they started to lose focus. There was nothing he could do. _Just a kid_. He was helpless.

It was John who broke the silence.

"I'm waiting Kiddo,"

Alan visibly tensed at the nickname, _just a kid,_helpless, he was helpless and there was nothing he could do, and John cocked his head. Alan's body froze, his breathing quickly, hands went cold and his heart was racing. He was helpless. John dropped his arms from where they were crossed on his chest. The anger on his face disappeared as quickly as it had flared up. Oh, he was still pissed as all hell at his baby brother but for now that anger was put on the back burner in favour of all-consuming worry. Something was seriously wrong with Alan.

"Alan," John started quietly, reaching out a hand to touch his brother's shoulder. "What's wrong," he said slowly, but by the look on Alan's face the teen didn't even register his words. "Alan," John repeated.

But the moment John had touched Alan's shoulder, whatever it was that had been holding Alan together shattered. His face crumbled into a visage of despair and his hands shook, his knees buckled and John caught the younger blonde just before his head hit the floor.

"Alan!" John sank to the floor with Alan half-cradled in his lap. His baby brother was in hysterical tears but somehow barely making a sound and it was terrifying John. The older Tracey put a hand to Alan's cheek and tried to pull his brother's head around to met his eyes, but this just made everything worse. Alan became more distressed, scrabbling at John's hand and arms to push him away.

Even though he didn't want to, John immediately released Alan who half crawled and half dragged himself across the floor until his back hit the wall, silent sobs still racking his body.

_-Can't breathe._

_Can't move._

_They're going to die._

_I'm going to die._

_I can't do anything._

_Helpless - just a kid - helpless._

_Five's going down._

_Can't breathe, I'm going to die and then he's going to kill Dad._

_Oh my god, I can't-_

_Just a kid.-_

John struggled to not rush to Alan's side and comfort him. Whatever was going on, panic attack or flash back or whatever, was scary to watch but by Alan's previous reaction close contact was not a good idea.

John couldn't help but wonder if this is what had happened at the beach.

Hell, he was wondering if this was why Alan had had bags under his eyes for the past month.

How often was this happening?

What was _this_?

What had caused it?

John was pulled back to the situation at hand by the sounds of Alan retching. The sixteen year old's panic had distressed him to the point of throwing up what little he'd eaten in the last twelve hours.

John finally couldn't hold himself back and he approached Alan cautiously.

"Alan, it's me. It's okay, it's me, it's John," he tried to be reassuring when inwardly he was terrified of what was happening. Alan didn't look up from the floor but when John placed a hand on his back, the teen didn't flinch away. John rubbed his back gently.

"It's okay Allie, just calm down, you're fine. Everything's fine," The elder blonde moved his other hand to Alan's back so he could contact Virgil through his communicator. As much as he thought Alan would want to be private, this was serious enough that John acknowledged needing the help of an actual doctor, who would know what to do. He kept up a string of quiet words as he waiting for Virigl to answer.

_"What's up John?" _

"Virg, I need your help," John managed to get out quietly, stress straining his voice. Virgil's tone quickly shifted to serious.

_"John, What's wrong? Where are you? What happened?"_

"I'm in Alan's room. Just-just be quick,"

There was a brief pause on the other end.

_"I'm on my way,"_


	7. Delusion

**Ahahahaha remember when I was writing this story guys? Well apparently my brain remembered at 10:50pm tonight when I have to be at a lecture at 8am tomorrow. LOL sleep is for the weak. I do want to continue this, seeing as my state of mind has changed considerably since starting this story and now I can see a happy ending for the Tracys. Maybs. This is unfortunately a kind of shitty filler chapter to wean me back into writing.**

**Enjoy!**

**Much love**

**aus**

* * *

_White._

_That was the colour that scared Alan the most._

_Black was a reassurance for him. Black was the colour of the night sky. The dark, open, endless field of stars that he could look into and imagine he was looking directly at one of his brothers. _

_Black was the colour of his running shorts and his favourite shoes._

_Black was warm summer nights and watching the moon rise with his father._

_White was the colour of death._

_White was crushing. White was the sound of emptiness and loneliness. White was the colour of frost and of ice and of snow so heavy it could crush a person. It was the colour of fire that would burn so hot it could melt metal and flesh and bone to nothing but ash._

_White was panic and fear._

_White was what Alan dreamt of and what he was terrified of. _

_White was the light shining into his eyes as he blinked them half open._

White.

"I don't know what happened Virgil, I don't know what changed, I just found him half out the god damn window and I swear my heart nearly sto-"

Black.

_Black was peaceful. Quiet. It reminded him of before his mother disappeared. _

_He didn't really remember much about his mother. Barely anything really. He remembered the black pendant that hung on her neck suspended on a gold chain. He remembered her rocking him to sleep out night when he woke, scared of the dark. She refused to turn on the light, deciding instead to teach him that the dark wasn't scary. That is was the same world out there, just a little different. A little softer. A little gentler. She taught him that at night people opened up, relaxed, connected with the earth and themselves. And that the moon and the stars were always there to look after him. _

White.

"There's no way this was a first time thing, this was a panic attack that he's had before,"

"I can't believe he made himself pass out,"

"He might have done it before,"

"I don't understand Virg, why?"

"... You don't dream when you're unconscious,"

"Something you wanna tell me?"

"You were on Five too John,"

"Allie wasn't,"

"I know,"

Black.

_He remembered flashes of the avalanche that ripped his mother away. He remembered hearing the thunder of the snow and starting to scream. He remembered snow around them and getting scared of the how bright it all was. His mother picked him up, wrapping her jacket around him and his world turned dark. It was comforting. Then the first wave hit. They were thrown around but okay. He remembers his mother tucking him behind a rock outcrop and starting back to the cabin to see if the others were okay. _

_Nobody expected the second wave._

_All Alan remembered was seeing his mother one moment and then his memory goes black. The next thing he remembers is white. And that's all. Just white. As far as he can see. And for the first time he can remember, he is truly terrified of it. _

White.

"Why hasn't he woken up?"

"Because I sedated him,"

"...Excuse me?"

"I sedated him,"

"...Why?"

"He needs the rest, his body needs to recover and this means we can keep the IV on him for a bit longer,"

"... He's sick, isn't he Virg? Like properly sick,"

"Yeah,"

"And none of us noticed,"

"We noticed now,"

"I'm thinking we might be a bit late,"

"He'll be fine John,"

"How sure are you about that?"

"... He'll be fine,"

Black.

_After the avalanche black became Alan's refuge. He remembered crying until he saw white and then crying more because it scared him. He remembered his father yelling at him. And then he learnt not to disturb anyone with his tears again. Just like he learnt that the dark and the moons were there to look after him. Sometimes when he was scared that the white would come back, he would breath too much too quickly and then all he would see was black. It made him feel better. He hadn't needed to do that in a long time. Not since he discovered running in his black shorts and favourite shoes and that in the daytime the deep parts of the forest were too thick for the sun to get through._

White.

"Do we tell Dad?"

"Not yet, I think we should talk to him, just us,"

"Just us? Scott'll be pissed,"

"That's exactly why he can't be here,"

"When will he wake up?"

"Soon, I cut the sedative about fifteen minutes ago, he should come around soon,"

Black.

_White was what he saw when The Hood was choking him. That scared him more than death. That idea that he would go somewhere everything was white. Empty and bare and cold. He never told his brothers or his father that he remembered the avalanche. All he ever said was white and they assumed that's all he ever knew. Virgil doesn't know why the infirmary scares Alan. It's not that it's a doctor's residence. It's the stark white of the benches. It screams death at him in a voice that becomes all he can hear. _

White.

"Virg, I think he's waking up,"

"What?"

"I think he's wa-"

Black.

_Space was black. Maybe that was why John always went back. _

White.

"Alan? Kid can you hear me?"

"He just flinched, what the hell is going on?"

Black.

_A kid. Scared of a colour. How childish. Maybe his father knew. Maybe that's why he wasn't trusted? Who was scared of a colour?_

White.

"Come on Buddy, keep those baby blues open,"

"Hey Allie, you with us?"

Black.

_Alan was scared of the colour white. It was as cold as snow and as cruel as a father's unkind words. But he couldn't hide forever._

White.

White blotched with two black circles.

Heads. His brothers'.

"John? Virg?"

Smiles broke on his older brothers' faces as they swam into focus.

"Hey Allie, back with us?"

"What happened? Am I...in the infirmary? Why am I down here?"

John and Virgil exchanged looks. Virgil turned away and John turned back to Alan.

"Alan, we need to have a bit of a chat about what happened tonight,"

Alan's vision flashed white, he licked his suddenly dry lips.

"Trying to run away was stupid I was just pissed-annoyed. I needed some time alone,"

Something in John's face changed.

"That's not what I'm talking about Alan,"

He sighed.

"You haven't been honest with us, you're hurting and we want to help,"


End file.
